Nette Life

As human beings, I think we are naturally hoarders. We tend to hang on to things be they material things or intangible things like relationships. People we love, for instance, we like to keep them close and we like to keep them forever. But, as life is wont to do, it never acts the way you want it to. So ‘things’ happen and we lose our stuff. We lose our friends and people we love. That’s just the way life is.

Life is also how we deal with those loses. Cry our eyes out, sure. Suffer the heart ache, sure. But never, never should our loses stop us. Just as we learn as kids to get up after a fall, we pick ourselves up, dust off our bottoms and dry up our tears and keep going.

There are people who like send offs. You know the type, they love taking people to the airport or bus stations, they love retirement parties and going away parties. Some actually even like funerals, the ultimate good bye party.

Not me. I dread goodbyes and even avoid them when I can. I have two nieces, 4 and 5 years old who will not say good bye. They ignore any attempts to say goodbye because they think that if you don’t give the good bye hug or kiss, the person somehow will not go away. I’m kind of the same way, although my reasons are different, ultimately, I guess they are the same.

For me, goodbyes are awkward. I don’t ever know what to say or I’m afraid I’d get too emotional. So, I make them as lighthearted or as off hand as possible. As in, “I’ll see you soon!” to someone whom I know I won’t be seeing for a very long time. “Drive safe!” when I should say I wish he wasn’t going and I’m going to miss him terribly. “Have a great time!” when what I really want to say is, I wish I was going instead of you or I wish I was going with you.

When you know someone is going away permanently, is there a gracious way to say goodbye? Is there a way to encapsulate the life time of “should have saids” in a moment? No, I can answer that there isn’t a way.

I wish I could have been more forthcoming with how I felt and with my appreciation for every person in my life. Why was it so difficult to just say I love you, I admire you, I appreciate you? Why did it take me so long to learn this and am still having difficulty with expressing my appreciation? What made me this way? I always wonder…

But, there is time to learn and that’s partly what this blog is about. This is just me, thinking out loud.

I had a very disturbing conversation with an old friend today. I am not one to call people on a regular basis (I hate talking on the the phone) but in the world we live in, sometimes the phone is the only way to keep in touch especially since letter writing seems to have gotten terribly out of fashion. Anyway, when I do call people, I try to call with pleasantries instead of just being the bearer of bad news all the time. Well, some people, I suppose are on the opposite side of this and seem to relish bringing to forth bad news. These give me a headache and makes me wish I hadn’t answered the phone.

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I was angry and I wanted to do mean and evil things. But, I decided to exhale and take it easy.

Today, I feel so much better and I’m really glad that I didn’t do some of the mean, calculated and very permanent things I contemplated on doing.

Sometimes we really do have to take some time to deflate and realize that the things that we were all full of were just hot air to begin with. Not important enough to waste energy on. Yeah, I know, easy to say after the fact. No one had better say this to me when I’m in the midst of my ranting. It’s just good to keep in mind, for next time, ya know. Because there will be a next time…. School is always open for life and its lessons.